Self-Help

A guide  for Chinese living abroad  to return home

  1. Check if there is a flight not cancelled yet at least 15 days away in the future. 

  2. Book the flight. 

  3. Go make a document and check if you are sick and start documenting your health condition 15 days before the flight. 

  4. Wait for the flight to be cancelled and execute plan B. 

  5. Find a swimming pool near your house.

  6. Go to the swimming pool and start swimming as far as you can. 

  7. Go to Amazon and buy a life ring.

  8. Jump into the pacific with the life ring.

  9. Keep swimming until you can’t. 

  10. Take a break at the great Pacific garbage patch. 

  11. Keep swimming until you either get saved by a ship passing by or die on drowning or pirates before coronavirus. 

  12. If still alive on the ship, ask them to bring you back to China.

  13. If the ship refuse to bring you back to China, read step 15.

  14. If the ship hand you in to the police, you will be brought back to the US because of your legal status. Execute plan C.

  15. Dress up and pretend that you are a pet. For instance, a dog, a cat, a hedgehog, or a Pokémon.

  16. Ask a person who is able to fly to China to bring you as his/her pet.

  17. Stay in the shadow of the cage. You may choose to bark or mews when you cross the border, but be careful if you are not good at it. 

  18. If you did not pass the border, go to step 20. 

  19. If you passed the border, feel free to relax in the cargo. You will be back in China in a few hours. 

  20. You’re out of available plans. But -if fortunately you did not lose it- you will always be able to use your own brain :)